Desert

I am a spiritual desert. The Sahara, Death Valley, the Arabian. Void, without water, without food, without nourishment. And the worst part is that I helped myself get here. Singlehandedly. I packed up my hopes into one small seemingly economical car and drove, never checking a map for the nearest rest stop or gas station. Now I'm stranded. It seemed to happen so suddenly, but looking back I see that it was a long time coming. It crept up on me, and a fantastic mirage kept the reality at bay. There is no water here. There is no food. There is no life. I did this to myself.

This spiritual desert I am in began a few months ago. "I'm too busy," I said, "I'll do a devo tomorrow." And I never did. It didn't seem like such a big deal at first, and I didn't realize the spiritual atrophying of my own soul. Until I realize that I am strangely hollow, joyless, angry without a buffer. Church stopped holding meaning, joy, lessons. Oh, sure, we all have our ups and downs, but I'm talking about apathy meets hopelessness. Frustration. I was...and am continuing to destroy myself. A spiritual desert. I never realized what a dichotomy this would turn out to be. I have this insane thirsting for the Lord, a pining desire acute to the point of pain, and yet, an apathy about it, the "I'll get to it tomorrow" feeling that perpetuates this dry barren land. I don't understand how I can feel both at once. That can't be possible. Like the Israelites, I have exiled myself to the desert. There is a beautiful land waiting for me, but I make the choice to stand apart from it, lost and acting unfairly hurt and abandoned. It isn't fair to God for me to reject Him this way. And yet, despite this, He continues to provide for me. How can I continue to exile myself to this lonely place when I know what the other side feels like? How can I continue to thirst for Him but restrain from action?

I believe David knew how I felt. How hard must it have been for him to keep his humility when he had everything the known world had to offer at his fingertips? From the highest of highs, it becomes possible to know the lowest of lows. I think David knew.

"O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you, in a dry and weary land where there is no water." --Psalm 63:1

Why do I feel this way? Pride? Maybe. Loss of focus? Maybe. Lack of trust. Perhaps. Or maybe a combination of all of those and more. As I peruse the Bible, a chapter pops out at me, painful in all of its convicting truthfulness.

"Surely God is good to Israel,
to those who are pure in heart.

2 But as for me, my feet had almost slipped;
I had nearly lost my foothold.
3 For I envied the arrogant
when I saw the prosperity of the wicked.

4 They have no struggles;
their bodies are healthy and strong.[a]
5 They are free from common human burdens;
they are not plagued by human ills.
6 Therefore pride is their necklace;
they clothe themselves with violence.
7 From their callous hearts comes iniquity[b];
their evil imaginations have no limits.
8 They scoff, and speak with malice;
with arrogance they threaten oppression.
9 Their mouths lay claim to heaven,
and their tongues take possession of the earth.
10 Therefore their people turn to them
and drink up waters in abundance.[c]
11 They say, “How would God know?
Does the Most High know anything?”

12 This is what the wicked are like—
always free of care, they go on amassing wealth.

13 Surely in vain I have kept my heart pure
and have washed my hands in innocence.
14 All day long I have been afflicted,
and every morning brings new punishments.

15 If I had spoken out like that,
I would have betrayed your children.
16 When I tried to understand all this,
it troubled me deeply
17 till I entered the sanctuary of God;
then I understood their final destiny.

18 Surely you place them on slippery ground;
you cast them down to ruin.
19 How suddenly are they destroyed,
completely swept away by terrors!
20 They are like a dream when one awakes;
when you arise, Lord,
you will despise them as fantasies.

21 When my heart was grieved
and my spirit embittered,
22 I was senseless and ignorant;
I was a brute beast before you.

23 Yet I am always with you;
you hold me by my right hand.
24 You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will take me into glory.
25 Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
26 My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.

27 Those who are far from you will perish;
you destroy all who are unfaithful to you.
28 But as for me, it is good to be near God.
I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge;
I will tell of all your deeds."

--Psalm 73

I am guilty of so many things in that verse. I'm slipping. I'm envious of those who seem to get away with murder and get rewarded in turn. I'm prideful, distrustful, stubborn.

"When my heart was grieved
and my spirit embittered,
I was senseless and ignorant;
I was a brute beast before you."

I am destroying myself in the process of envy. I am clearly not taking hold of any of the promises and blessings the Lord has for me, and I am missing out on the most beautiful things in life. The verse puts it more poetically, but basically I'm being really dumb. I am focusing more on myself, my desires, how I measure up to others than what the Lord wants for my life. We clearly don't see eye to eye at the moment, and it's obvious by how I feel and how I act that I'm definitely on the wrong side of the battle. I understand, but yet just can't seem to comprehend the next few verses.

"Yet I am always with you;
you hold me by my right hand.
You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward will take me into glory.
Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever."

I can forsake Him, but He will never forsake me. He knows my thoughts, my fears, my weaknesses, and none of them are original (as seen in Chapter 73). I'm in the desert, but I won't be here for long.