Conviction

"A fool gives vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control."
--Proverbs 29:11

Sometimes I think that the book of Proverbs should be renamed "The Book of Convictions." Every time I think I have a good handle on things, I flip through Proverbs, and something pops out at me. Proverbs is filled with so many beautiful verses; I could go on and on about those, because they are simply amazing, but when I find one that convicts me, I tend to cringe and forge on instead of really facing the thing that I am inwardly embarrassed about. It's like subconsciously I am going, "oookay...if I ignore this, God won't see it. And if I am in denial and if God doesn't see it, than He's not going to ask me to change it." Flawed logic? Oh yes. It's very much a child-like response to things, and evidence that I'm not yet as spiritually mature as I'd like to think I am. I am no better than an infant who thinks that out of sight means the disappearance of an object, an issue, a person. Out of sight, out of mind.

Funny though, how God doesn't work that way.

And so, at one in the morning I stare at this verse--one of many, I am sure--that convicts me, stares me in the face and says, "Try to get out of this one."

"A fool gives vent to his anger..." I've just been called a fool. I don't think anyone really enjoys that title. I know I don't. It bristles a lot, actually. "I'm not a fool," I think, "I am perfectly capable of being wise." But, according to this verse, I am a fool. I get frustrated very easily sometimes, over the stupidest things. You don't even want to be in the car with me on a stressful Tuesday/Thursday morning at Citrus in the parking lot at the beginning of the semester. I become a regular demon, hair wild, white knuckle grip on the steering wheel, yelling loudly at the car that dared steal the spot I had been waiting for for over half an hour. And that, my friends, is not Christ-like behavior. And part of me knows it, and cringes for it, but the much more emotionally volatile (and much louder and pushy) voice says, "You're justified in this! How dare that idiot take your space! Blinker goes first! He didn't even have his blinker on! I can't believe it! I wish I could get away with hitting him!" Oh yes, it is irrational, and it seems to take off without any effort at all from the rational, logical part of my brain.

So, it follows that I am a fool, because I vent my anger, I do not keep myself under control. But there is more to this than just keeping a pretty, nice face to the world. Stating the obvious (again), we know that anger can be very irrational. When I rant and rave, and throw my hands around in a way that is complete evidence of my Italian heritage, I am not thinking logically. I am not dealing with the actual problem at hand. I'm only working myself up into a higher state of rage and absolutely nothing is getting accomplished. Not only does it prevent me from thinking logically, but it hinders relationships as well. You can't build community when your ears are steaming with the proverbial cartoon anger. It just can't happen. And you are definitely not in a state to love when your anger is peaked and your temper is short. But keep yourself under control, and you are in a much better position in life. You can love, you can handle the situation diplomatically, you will forge on ahead in success. Logical, common sense things.

So if I know this, than why is it so hard for me to do?

We renounce a sinful nature, we know that our heart and soul are living for a greater purpose, but that still doesn't mean the rest of our body is no longer worldly. It's why you can know what is right but still be pulled in the other direction, enticed. I can't find it right now but I know there is a verse that talks about that in the New Testament. And if we rely on the rest of our "flesh" to get us out of the rut we already are in, than nothing will be accomplished. We can do nothing through our own power; it is only through the Spirit that we are able to overcome and conquer.

And so, as I sit here, calm (for there is no reason for me to be angry) I am logical. But what of tomorrow, when I drive to school and someone steals my space? How will I react then? I so desperately want to be the person who "is wise [and] keeps himself under control." I crave it, but I can't accomplish it on my own. But, the joyous thing is that, "I can do everything through him who gives me strength (Philippians 4:13)." That doesn't mean it will be perfect the first try, or even the fiftieth, but it means that I have the strength to push on, that the love to support me when I do inevitably fly into that rage. I can do this. I can overcome venting my anger. Overcoming the fool part might take a little longer, but I am on the road. So tonight, as I stare at the verse, as I am convicted, I will decide to work on this problem, because no one likes a fool, and because I want to pursue a life that will continuously bring me closer to God, and a life that will enrich the lives of others, will bring love to others. Conviction...it's never enjoyable and it can be a long and painful process...but it really is good for the soul.